In 2014, I was clinically diagnosed with Anxiety. I clearly remembered how skeptical I was that day and was even on the verge of backing out on my 1st ever appointment with the doctor because I was contemplating hard if it's the right thing to do. I mean, I know I sometimes tend to "over share" my personal stuff with people I just recently met but not about my mental health issue. My mental state was something I wanted to bury deep deep down because I felt that no one would understand or can relate to what I was going through. I was in a state of denial. I felt like I couldn't be mentally ill because I was such a happy person. But that day was different. I was so emotional and I felt sad like the world was on my shoulder and I just couldn't take all the emotions I was feeling all at once anymore. I was so all over the place that I found myself breaking down at the hospital's comfort room.That was my 2nd anxiety attack in just a span of two weeks. I remember the session very vividly as if it just happened yesterday. My 1st meeting with a shrink wasn't something that I expected nor imagined. I thought I'd be restrained but I spoke to her as if we've known each other for decades. It was unusual but I felt lighter and liberated afterwards. I visited and continued my session with her for 2 months until I felt like I'm getting better and that I can control and keep my emotions at bay.
Until this year. Something came up and I lost control again. After several years of hiatus, I went back to seek professional help again. This time, I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or PTSD. It was a hard thing to do again. This time it triggered something that's very personal and close to my heart. I was mad, broken and I felt like my whole world crumbled. I was so mad I wanted to get even and hurt them back just so they could feel the pain they inflicted on me. It shook and tested my faith to the core, I begin to question my worth --- that's when I knew I need help again.
Family and friends come up to me and tell me I don't look depressed at all but you see, anxiety and depression has no face and form. You wouldn’t see it. And if you saw me in person, I assure you, you “couldn’t tell.” Because I eat well, I work out, and I go out. Because I have a nine-to-five job. Because I appear “put-together.” And because I don’t look like a goddamn protagonist in a teleserye (you know, the ones shot in black-and-white where someone is sitting on the floor, crying or clutching their knees to their chest while staring longingly out a window). However, just because I am completely functional doesn’t mean I am “well.” It doesn’t mean I am alright, and it doesn’t mean I am always okay. You wouldn't know what anyone has gone through just by looking at them smile and laugh the whole day.
But that’s the thing about depression—you cannot always see it. Depression doesn’t always look like the “sad-looking” girl in school or in the office. Depression doesn’t always look like the quiet guy sitting alone in the corner of his room while his family hosts a party. And just because someone is depressed, it doesn’t mean they aren’t successful. It doesn’t mean they are lost or lonely, it doesn’t mean they don’t have a lot to live for. And it doesn’t mean they don’t have a lot to be happy about. Depression appears in many places and faces. It does not discriminate, and it knows no social status. It's sickening to hear people say that people with anxiety, depression and the likes are weaklings. Or that it's just for the rich. I strongly believe that seeking help and talking to medical professional is an act of bravery and only those who get to battle their own demons everyday can relate that it's a victory whenever we get to keep our thoughts and emotions at bay even for the shortest moment.
So if you're reading this and you also feel anxious or depressed, do not be afraid to seek help and to reach out. If you feel you have no one to talk to or you're afraid of being judged, TALK TO ME. REACH OUT TO ME. I'd be willing to listen and to help as much as I can.
And to you. If you're reading this and you're one of the ignorant few who still believe that shit they say "Mahihina lang ang tinatamaan ng depresyon" feel free to unfriend me. The world has so much negativity and toxicity in it. Be a light in this world. Don't discriminate. As what the old saying goes, "If you can be anything, be kind".
Let's stop the stigma on Mental Health. People start to heal the moment they are heard. Communicate even when it's uncomfortable and uneasy. One of the best ways to heal is simply getting everything out.
---- Love&light, Elle ✨💕
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